Where Da Beer At?

Let me get this out of the way, I love beer. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it allows me to suspend my decision making ability, and most of all, I love it because people tell me to love it. And people are always right. Beer is the superior drink fermented from a starch-based material, hands down. It is one frothy temptress I cannot resist. It also serves as a great way to be insubordinate, which is helpful because my parents are super hard on me, I swear. (Take that ones that birthed me, I’ll gratify my id whenever I please.) Use it like those noble Bostonians used tea in the 1700’s; drink a lot of it. That’s one tea party I would have liked to be at.

But I digress. The point is that beer tastes spectacular. It tastes a lot like yeast excrement. Who knew that the waste products of a common leavening agent could make me want to smack my lips in satisfaction and let out a quiet, "ahhh"? Research compiled by high schools and colleges around the country reports that beer is also pleasing to the taste buds: through a funnel, while playing ping-pong, after learning you have cirrhosis of the liver, and after a "good cry." And although I don’t specifically recall how beer makes me feel, I was apparently overheard last Saturday saying it made me feel "good". What I do remember is sensing a rumble in my stomach and being excited; finally the moment I had been waiting for had arrived. I sauntered into the bathroom, leaned over, and expelled the contents of my stomach. "This is fantastic! I should really do this more often," I considered as I laid my head against the cold, tile bathroom floor.

But more than anything, I love the sense of belonging beer gives me. At every party I go to, I look around after I am double-dog dared into drinking so much that I eject my stomach acids through my mouth in a series of spastic movements, and think, "Wow, these people really care about my well being. Isn’t it great to have friends!"

But all this writing is making me thirsty. Why am I doin’ all this a-talkin’ when there’s beer to be a-drinkin’?