In this period of political turmoil, all the wrong questions are being asked. Questions like “Who has a realistic exit strategy for Iraq ” or “Who can prevent us from sliding into a economic recession” are of no help to anyone. The question that America must ask itself is, “Why don’t we give up this whole Democratic election charade and just give Norm De Plume the position of Supreme Chancellor for Life?” Good Question.
Norm “the Constitution” De Plume was born the son of a poor sharecropping farmer in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Despite his father’s insistence that he get trapped in the family’s vicious cycle of poverty and exploitation, Norm became a lawyer. Living up to his nickname, he is now attempting to win the Presidential election as the candidate for the Post-Bill of Rights Amendments Party; so named because he believes that America must look to amendments 11-27 as a source of stability and strength. I support Norm for President because of the nuances of his straightforward platform, and his pragmatically idealistic attitude.
As any good cook understands, “you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.” Using his passion for cooking as a model for his politics, Norm knows he must “crack a few skulls to keep illegal immigrants from stealing American jobs.” He has proposed that the government set aside 10 billion dollars to build a “really big fence” at the 49th parallel and “keep those sneaky Canadians where they belong.” When his opponents suggested that a fence would surely not cost 10 billion, and that the 49th parallel is hardly the place to put it, he calmly replied, “don’t argue with ‘the Constitution’.” When it comes to the environment, Norm is a self-proclaimed tree-hugger. Granted, he is also a seal-clubbing enthusiast, world renowned for being merciless, and for his indiscriminate use of the whirly-bird, a technique in which the flogger carries a club in both hands and spins like a top, aiming for the heads. As a member of the Religious right, Norm will push for an amendment that outlaws marriages between people who are lactose intolerant. Explaining his position further, Norm was quoted as saying, “ I just believe that marriage is between a man and a woman who can both comfortably digest dairy. I suppose if they really want they can have civil unions, but God defines marriage as something exclusively for those of us who can enjoy the occasional scoop of ice cream.” Also, Norm intends to ban satirical pamphlets, saying he “[doesn’t] get them.”
If I haven’t convinced you that Norm is the best man for the job, then I encourage you to take heed the words of your fellow classmate and demigod, Ethan Lang. “I hereby endorse [Norm De Plume] for president.” A man of few, but well chosen, words.
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